Well my lil man is 6 on friday and what a rollercoaster six years its been!!!! We have had so many low points but then we also have had lots of high points too, and i would go through each and every low point again because the high points make it all worthwhile.....
I was lying in bed last night thinking that infact we went into hospital 6 years ago tomorrow as lil man was induced on the 9th he just didnt want to come to quickly............ Bare with me while i post what i remember about that day...........
We left our home in cornwall at 4 in the morning to get to bristol by 9, i can remember crying not for lil man but because i had left my gorgeous others in bed and i didnt know if i would be bringing their baby brother home or if i would come home empty handed, i have never ever felt so alone or so afraid before and i just wanted to run and hide, to pretend it wasnt happening, and if im honest, i wanted to go back 9 months and not fall pregnant, not just for my sake or the sake of the others, but also for my unborn baby, because i really didnt see any hope and just pain in front for him. I felt so guilty that it was I who was causing his suffering as after all i was his mum and i should protect him shouldnt I!!!! well it was a very quiet journey to bristol that day........ and with every mile that brought us nearer the more the feeling of wanting to run away increased... We arrived safely and as we were about to leave the car, reach for the stars started playing.. It was the first time i had felt hope since that fateful scan that told us our babies diagnosis... It has from that day been what we call our lil mans song...
Anyway into the hospital we went and they started the induction process, lil man had other ideas though and didnt want to make an appearance that day, so it was a long day of walking the corridors, standing outside the hospital getting some 'fresh' air... On the 10th they decided to start me on the drip to speed things up and at first things moved very fast... too fast for little man and he went into distress so they removed the drip and let things calm down, by this point i just freaked and asked for a c section as i was so scared all this wasnt good for my little soldier, anyway they put me off and at 7.47 that night he made his appearance, typical of my lil man he liked to keep them all on their toes, i had been checked at 7.30 and was only 4 cms dilated.. so they werent prepared for his quick appearance after all the hours of waiting lol.... anyway i was allowed a 2 minute cuddle and he was perfect i dont know what i had expected, but it wasnt this pink gorgeous looking boy and i started to wonder if this had all been a nightmare and my baby was fine........ He was whisked off to scbu and i had something to eat for the first time in 2 days but it was just like cardboard all i wanted was to go be with my baby ....... the cardiologist came back and said that all the scans had been done and that he did infact have HLHS and would be kept on scbu with a transfer to birmingham if there was a bed the next morning, they agreed we could go and see him now as he had been stabilised .... We got into scbu and to be honest lil man looked huge (he was 5lb 6oz) next to all these tiny prem babies and i could see parents looking at us as though we shouldnt be there!!! I said this to a nurse and she said that sadly lil man was the sickiest baby in scbu at that time..........................
Anyway i cant write anymore the memories are quite hard, i will come back and finish this though.....
This blog as always is dedicated to James, Katie and Zoe all heart angels gone too soon xxxx
0 comments:
Post a Comment